Becoming Heart Sisters, Week 3, Clash of the Titans

Every sailor would agree that sailing the calm, clear waters, as peaceful and beautiful as it may be, will eventually give way to some motion in the ocean. Troubled seas are inevitable!

My daughter is a sailor in the Navy. She won’t reveal much of what Boot Camp was like, but part of her training was about being prepared to handle a crisis when it happens. For example, she may never encounter a fire at sea, but she was required to be trained in firefighting techniques. It is wise to be equipped for anything that could happen so that if or when it does, they will overcome it.

This past week, we have delved into the wonderful world of relationship conflict. Joy! How wonderful it is when we get along, have fun together, strengthen each other spiritually, and have those warm-fuzzy moments. We love this friend”SHIP” thing as long as the waters are smooth sailing!

When a conflict occurs, however, we aren’t usually equipped to know what to do or say. The easiest thing to do is to allow our emotions to take the lead, or even easier, to split! For fear of handling the conflict, or to be free from stress, we may either sweep the issue under the rug and hope for the best, or we may desert the relationship all together. But then, all it takes is one tiny spark to set us off and cause an impressive fireworks show. All of the bottled-up emotion may come bubbling up to the surface and spew out like a geyser!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a better way to manage conflict with our loved ones? Wouldn’t it be a relief to have a heart to heart conversation that would bring understanding to all parties involved, and consequently, discover that your friendship became stronger and more fulfilling as a result? Overcoming a dispute can actually cause your relationship to be more solid, and the bond to become deeper. However, if we are afraid of or dread dealing with the tough issues, we will end up settling for only surface friendships that are unfulfilling, and we may find ourselves lonely as a result.

I like what Natalie Chambers Snapp said, “I think many of our hurts can be healed over a cup of coffee if we take the time to really listen to each other – as in focusing on what our friend is saying rather than outlining our defense as she’s speaking.”

As you can see, communication will be a vital key! We are going to learn some valuable principles this week to help us communicate with our friends in times of conflict so that we will have deeper, stronger friendships as a result! I’m excited about this!

Day 1

Wouldn’t it be nice if all we had to so was say “I’m sorry,” and all conflicts would be resolved? It doesn’t usually happen that easily. However, God gives us guidelines in His Word to help us have peace in our relationships. Our first step in softening friction is to seek the peace of God. He is our source of peace, and we will never truly have peace any other way. Jesus said in Scripture:

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33 NLT

Some of the points we pondered in Day 1 is that

  • God is our source of peace.
  • Trusting in God and keeping our minds on Him will bring us perfect peace.
  • God takes care of our needs, and we have no need to worry. Rather, we need to ask in faith and with thanks.
  • When our lives are pleasing to the Lord, even our enemies will be at peace with us.
  • Peace doesn’t just happen by osmosis. We are to work to maintain it; to intentionally pursue it.

It takes effort to have peace in our lives and in our relationships. It is our choice. Although God is our source, we have the responsibility to pursue peace.

Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. Psalm 34:14 NLT

“When Christians become peacemakers, they can turn conflict into an opportunity to strengthen relationships and make their lives a testimony to the love and power of Jesus Christ.” Peacemakers don’t just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away.

Those who pursue peace:

  • Seek to talk through a conflict with humility
  • Aren’t afraid to say, “I was hurt.”
  • Are truthful when asked if they were hurt.
  • Don’t let things go because of fear of conflict.
  • Recognize the importance of clearing up misunderstandings, because most offenses aren’t intentional.

Keep in mind, if we refuse to address our hurts, they will not go away on our own. Often, the hurt will turn into resentment and then bitterness. Eventually, the relationship will not survive. However, if we are going to address these issues, we must learn how to it gently, humbly, and with love. We will learn a wonderful technique in just a moment to do that.

Day 2

There is a place and time for anger. Not all anger is negative, and anger itself is not necessarily a sin. We looked at two examples of anger today, and we learned how to respond on either end. Sometimes, we may feel angry with our friends, or conversely, we may sin against them and cause them anger. What matters is not necessarily the anger, but how we respond.

One type of anger we explored was the righteous anger Jesus modeled for us when he turned the tables of the money changers and those selling doves in the temple. What Jesus observed was utter disrespect for His Father’s house, dishonest gain, and taking advantage of the poor. A righteous indignation rose up in Him, and He let them have it! Yet, even in his rage, the Bible says that Jesus never sinned.

The emotion of anger is not a sin, but the type of anger and the response to it is what makes the difference. In this incident, Jesus was reacting to sin and was seeking to honor God in His approach. However, even though Jesus was in the right, He still made people mad at him. The chief priests and the teacher of the Law became indignant toward Jesus.

The appropriate response, however, when we are in the wrong, and someone approaches us with anger, is not to respond in turn with anger. We are to have humble and repentant hearts.

On the other hand, when our anger is generated by selfishness, not getting our way or something we want, or not being in control, then it is unrighteous anger. This is an anger that needs to be let go! Humbly give it to God and seek Him for direction and peace. We must cut some slack for our friends and approach them with mercy and grace.

Yet, when unrighteous anger is directed at us, we don’t have to accept the invitation to their “party.” Again, a humble heart is a must, but we do not have to wallow in the mud with them. This kind of anger only snowballs. When we respond in turn with anger, it only adds fuel to the fire. No good fruit us produced by engaging in such conflict.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1

The example we observed for this kind of anger was in the famous conflict with Sarai and Hagar. Understand that the source of anger was the result of Sarai not trusting God but rather taking matters into her own hands. She didn’t believe God would fulfill His promise without her help, and she destroyed the life of her handmaid by forcing her to be a surrogate mother without any regard to her feelings. This led to a horrible dispute, and eventually, because of this mess, the child that was born was the ancestor of the entire Muslim nation. Isn’t’ that interesting?

What a mess anger, selfishness, pride, and lack of faith can cause!

“If our hearts are hard and we refuse to humble ourselves, seeing our role in the conflict, then we cannot honor God with our post-sin actions. But when we humble ourselves before the Lord by asking Him to reveal our sin and trying to make things right with the other person, then we’re honoring God.”

Day 3

Today, we were introduced to an outstanding system for working out our conflicts. Now that we have learned to pursue God and work toward peace, and we better understand anger and how to humbly respond, we are on our way to learn how to resolve conflict in a way that honors God.

The system is called P.E.G.

P – Pray

E – Examine

G – Go!

When we are faced with a relational challenge, the very first place to go is to the Father. I know it sounds simplistic, but prayer must be our first stop on this road to resolution. Instead of jumping on the phone to recruit others to our side, or engaging in gossip in the guise of prayer requests, we must first seek God for His wisdom and strength.

 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. James 1:5

“We can’t humble ourselves in our relationships with others if we cannot humble ourselves before God.”

Go to God and have Him check the true motives of your heart. Don’t put on a false façade of self-righteousness, but be authentic before the Lord. We must humble ourselves and then be ready to listen to Him.

When we pray, ask God to do these four things:

  • Reveal your sin in the situation.
  • Direct you on when to speak to who has hurt you.
  • Provide the opportunity to do so.
  • Prepare both of your hearts so both sides can be humble and not proud.

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3 NLT

Day 4

Today we have learned to examine our role in the conflict. Instead of pointing fingers, we must humbly examine ourselves first. It is time to shed pride and clothe ourselves with humility. Ah, that word seems to keep popping up; doesn’t it?

The best example we have of humility is of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet. If we would approach our friendships in this way, and see our conflicts through the lens of humility, we will be able to successfully accomplish the E part of this equation (examine) and have a fresh new perspective for resolving our conflicts.

Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2 NLT

Ask yourself these five questions:

  1. What is my role in this conflict? Even the most innocent party has some responsibility in the conflict. Ask God to search your heart and reveal anything that needs to be addressed. Even when we have been wronged, we may need to apologize for our part in the skirmish. They may not accept our apology, or even forgive us, but we will have the peace of being obedient before the Lord. We can trust Him to deal with the other person in His way and His time.
  2. Am I hurt because of my own insecurity? Sometimes we may misinterpret the words or actions of someone else because we view them through the lens of our own insecurities. We may be overly defensive or make assumptions because our friend may have triggered something that is broken within us. Our friends are not responsible for making us feel good or bad about ourselves. We must know the truth about ourselves in God’s Word and seek to have a healthy identity in Christ before we can have a healthy view of our relationships.
  3. Am I expecting too much from this relationship? Has this friendship become an idol? We cannot expect our friends to fill that emptiness inside that only God can fill. That is an unfair and unreasonable expectation to put on our friends. They will inevitably let us down. “Our own emotional baggage should not dictate the expectations and overall tone of our friendships because no one can be our everything Only God can!”
  4. Will I be able to spend time with this person without feeling hurt or resentful? If not, we need to make it right. Do we overreact to every little flaw in our friend? Are we overly defensive? There may be something deeper going on that needs to be addressed. We need to let our anger go and to not sin by allowing anger to control us. However, if we cannot seem to get past these emotions, and we always seem to have our guard up with this friend, we may need to discuss it with her. But, definitely take this up with God for healing!
  5. Can I trust this person and be vulnerable with her? If we are afraid to be authentic with our friends, we will never be able to go deep with them. Our relationships will always remain on the surface and be less fulfilling. Learning to be truthful and authentic will give us a sense of freedom. However, if you feel that you cannot truly be yourself, you may need to evaluate why as well as the quality of this friendship. It is such a wonderful freedom to have a friend with whom you can be your true self – no makeup, jammies, flat hair, no pretense. We all need someone like that!

Day 5

Finally, we discussed the G in the P.E.G. system – Go! Since we have prayed for wisdom and direction, as well as for God to prepare our hearts, and we have examined ourselves humbly and truthfully, we are ready to go to the person and resolve the situation.

Occasionally, if the situation is beyond our ability to cope, we may need to seek wise counsel. However, make sure the counsel is God and Word centered and not an opportunity to gossip or slander. Make sure it is for the purpose of restoration rather than getting someone on your side.

So, if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. Matthew 5:23-24 NLT

If another believer sins against you go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. Matthew 18:15 NLT

If we refuse to go to the person and resolve the conflict, it can cause our hearts to become sour and develop a barrier in our worship to God. It can become a wedge that hinders closeness in our relationship with God. It is also disobedience because God specifically tells us in His Word to approach the ones who have hurt us.

Go with humility and gentleness. Do not accuse. Go with the purpose of restoration and to glorify God. Refrain from inflammatory words and speak blessings instead. Avoid revenge. Be ready to listen with an open mind and seek to truly understand your friend’s perspective. Let love reign supreme!

“If we do not go, we cannot know the other person’s true intentions.” This prevents us from assuming or drawing our own conclusions. It clears up misunderstandings.

One approach is to simply ask your friend, “Have I hurt or offended you in any way?”

We must demonstrate to our friend that we value our relationship more than our need to be right.

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Ephesians 4:15 NLT

Week 3 Discussion Questions

Here is a sneak peek at the questions we will discuss in our small groups this week:

Peacemakers don’t just “sweep it under the rug” and hope it goes away. Peacemakers understand the long-term risks of that way of thinking and, instead, choose to pursue peace so that the relationship can be healthy and God-honoring. (Day 1)

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14 NIV

QUESTION 1 (Q1): According to Psalm 34: 14, what are we supposed to do with peace? What do you think this means? (page 79). What are some characteristics of people who pursue peace?

Anger based on selfishness is a sin. However, righteous anger, the kind Jesus expressed in the Temple, is not. It’s important to note this distinction because at some point we will experience anger in our relationships— either as the one who is angry or the one to whom another’s anger is directed. (Day 2)

QUESTION 2 (Q2): When have you ever experienced righteous anger? How did you respond? What are some reasons we might experience righteous anger?

For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:12

QUESTION 3 (Q3): What does humility look like in resolving relational conflict? Why do you think it is so important?

When we’re more concerned with being right and justifying why the other person is wrong, we don’t stop and examine our role in the conflict with humility. (Day 4)

Read Matthew 7:1-5. Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?  Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

QUESTION 4 (Q4): The E in P.E.G. (Pray, Examine, Go) is all about examining ourselves first before going to the other person. It is about removing the log from our own eye before picking at the speck in our friend’s eye. Have you ever been guilty of seeing the speck in someone else’s eye while disregarding the log in your own? How did you grow from that experience? Why do you think this is important?

It’s tempting to flee the scene when we’re hurting, isn’t it? Sometimes the pain can be so severe that we just want to take matters into our own hands and do something— anything— that will relieve us of the sting. (Day 5)

When Hagar ran away from Sarai, the angel of the Lord commanded her to go back to Sarai, and God blessed her for it.

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. Matthew 18:15 NLT

QUESTION 5 (Q5): Do you like to flee the scene, or do you like to stay and talk it out? Read Matthew 18: 15. What are we told to do when someone has offended us? (page 100). What are some obstacles that can get in the way and make this difficult?

Besides making sure that our hearts are humble when we “go,” we also must be willing to keep the best interests of the other person at the forefront while speaking the truth in love. (Day 5)

QUESTION 6 (Q6): What does it mean to speak the truth in love?

Assignments for the Week:

  • Pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal truth and wisdom to You from God’s Word and to transform your heart.
  • Read Week 4 from the member book.
  • Attend a small group.
  • Participate in daily activities in the Heart to Heart Facebook group.

How This Works

  • Register by leaving a comment below. Tell us where you are from and what you hope to glean from this study.
  • Subscribe to this site to receive future updates by email. Enter your email address in the field to the right, and then click the subscribe button.
  • Join our closed Facebook group, Heart to Heart Women’s Bible Study, for weekly interaction, activities, videos, and small group sessions. Closed means that no one will be able to see our posts unless they are members of the group. This is for your safety and privacy.
  • Small Groups: There will be a schedule for small groups pinned to the top of the Facebook group, Heart to Heart Women’s Bible Study, as we get closer to the time. All you need to do is show up at the scheduled day and time, and the discussion will take place underneath the group photo.

Reading Schedule

  • May 1-7, Study Week 1: Why Do We Need Girlfriends and Where Do We find Them?
    • Small groups: Introduction. No need to ready anything ahead of time.
  • May 8-14, Study Week 2: Getting Right with God
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 1
  • May 15-21, Study Week 3: Clash of the Titans
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 2
  • May 22-28, Study Week 4: The Forgiveness Business
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 3
  • May 29-June 4, Study Week 5: Blurred Lines
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 4
  • June 5-11, Study Week 6: Heart Sisters Do’s and Don’ts
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 5
  • June 12-18
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 6

I look forward to seeing you in small groups this week!

God bless!

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